The Birds And The Bees

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.


“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”


Confused, the father asked what was wrong.


The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech…”


”Sorry about that, but so what?” the father asked.


“…If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.

the duck

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" 
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it." 
The duck says, "Okay," and leaves. 
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves. 
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" 
The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves. 
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?" 
"No." 
"Got any duck feed?"

FUNNY STORIES

Mr.Knott is a teacher of a school in London. It's a long way to his school from his house so he is usually tired when he gets home. 
One day, he got home, was tired as uasual. He was in bed when someone called him. He went downstairs, picked up the phone and said,' Hello. Who's speaking. please?'
Watt.
What's your name, sir?
Watt's my name.
Yes, I asked you that. What's your name?
I told you. Watt's my name. Are you Jack Smith?
No, I'm Knott.
Will you give me your name, please?
Will Knott.
Both the men hanged up the phone angrily and thought "What a stupid, rude man."

new funny stories

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

new funny stories

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"

new funny stories

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".

Q: Secret of long life
A: Morning two eggs, evening two pegs... and night two legs

new funny stories

The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'

I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.

THE OLDEST PROFESSION

A doctor, a lawyer, an engineer, and a computer programmer were waiting for a bus when they got to discussing which had the oldest profession.
Obviously it was law, said the lawyer. Moses gave the 10 commandments over 3,000 yrs ago, and that's older than either of ur jobs.
Not so fast, says the doctor. Before that, God created Eve out of Adam's rib, and that was a surgical proceedure at least, so mine is older tha all of yours!
Hey, that's pretty good, said the engineer, but even before that, God created the universe out of chaos, which was the first engineerimng job ever, and before any of those other things.
They all turned and looked smugly at the programmer, whose tools of the trade were well know no be only a few decades old. He smiled back and said: "Ah, but where do u think the "chaos" came from?

REPAIRING A CAR

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a MCSE (Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer) were out riding, when their car broke down, and they couldn't get it started.
The mechanical engineer suggested that the it was a failure somewhere in the drive train, but after checking it out he found that the engine and transmission were fine.
The electrical engineer thought it might be the ignition system; lifted the hood, checked for a spark, and found that everything was OK.
The MCSE was driving and suddenly gets out of the car, slams the door, opens the hood and looks inside, slams that, gets back into the car, opens and closes all the windows and looks at his passengers and says, "There, it should start right up now..."

THE GEOTHERMICS OF HELL

Who says religion and science aren't compatible???
The following is an actual question posed on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

The student received the only "A" given.

36 YEARS OF SILENCE

An aspiring Monk wanted to find a Guru. He went to a monastery and his preceptor told him: "You can stay here but we have one important rule - all students observe the vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak in 12 years time."
After practicing for 12 long years silent meditation etc., the day came when the student could say his one thing or ask his one question. He said: "The bed is too hard."
He kept going for another 12 years of hard silent meditation and got the opportunity to speak again. He said: "The food is not good."
Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words after 36 years of practice: "I quit."
His Guru quickly answered: "Good, all you have been doing anyway is complaining."

WORSE THAN A CLOWN

There was a young monk in China who was a very serious practitioner of the Dharma.
Once, this monk came across something he did not understand, so he went to ask the master. When the master heard the question, he kept laughing. The master then stood up and walked away, still laughing.
The young monk was very disturbed by the master's reaction. For the next 3 days, he could not eat, sleep nor think properly. At the end of 3 days, he went back to the master and told the master how disturbed he had felt. When the master heard this, he said, "Monk, do you know what your problem is? Your problem is that YOU ARE WORSE THAN A CLOWN!"
The monk was shocked to hear that, "Venerable Sir, how can you say such a thing?! How can I be worse than a clown?" The master explained, "A clown enjoys seeing people laugh. You? You feel disturbed because another person laughed. Tell me, are u not worse than a clown?"
When the monk heard this, he began to laugh. He was enlightened.

AT LEAST AS HARD AS YOUR BAD HABIT

I was driving Suzuki Roshi. My friend in the backseat, with cigarettes in his shirt pocket, asked about Zen.
"Zen is hard," Roshi said. "It is at least as hard as quitting smoking."

"To Shine One Corner of the World: Moments with Shuryu Suzuki: Stories of a Zen Teacher Told by His Students" (Edited by David Chadwick)

A SIMPLE QUESTION

Once there was a monk who was an expert on the Diamond Sutra, and as books were very valuable in his day, he carried the only copy in his part of the world on his back. He was widely sought after for his readings and insight into the Diamond Sutra, and very successful at propounding its profundities to not only monks and masters but to the lay people as well. Thus the people of that region came to know of the Diamond Sutra, and as the monk was traveling on a mountain road, he came upon an old woman selling tea and cakes.
The hungry monk would have loved to refresh himself, but alas, he had no money. He told the old woman, "I have upon my back a treasure beyond knowing -- the Diamond Sutra. If you will give me some tea and cakes, I will tell you of this great treasure of knowledge."
The old woman knew something of the Diamond Sutra herself, and proposed her own bargain. She said, "Oh learned monk, if you will answer a simple question, I will give you tea and cakes." To this the monk readily agreed. The woman then said, "When you eat these cakes, are you eating with the mind of the past, the mind of the present or the mind of the future?"
No answer occurred to the monk, so he took the pack from his back and got out the text of the Diamond Sutra, hoping he could find the
answer. As he studied and pondered, the day grew late and the old woman packed up her things to go home for the day.
"You are a foolish monk indeed," said the old woman as she left the hungry monk in his quandary. "You eat the tea and cakes with your mouth."